


Hush

by krazikrys



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-15 23:36:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18509392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krazikrys/pseuds/krazikrys
Summary: Having lost my voice before seeing the Backstreet Boys on tour, I just happen to run into Brian at Starbucks. He is on the first day of a week-long vocal rest and struggling with the realization of a postponement. We manage to help each other through our own personal struggles.





	Hush

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written before they announced who their opening act was for the North American part of the DNA tour and before I bought my ticket.
> 
> Yes, I am a Camp Fire survivor. This story somehow helped me get over my fear of the dark.
> 
> Don't know them. Never met them. No harm meant.

It was about three in the afternoon. I was sitting in the corner of a Starbucks about three blocks from the arena being depressed with my earbuds in. My voice was gone. Totally. And here I was still going to this concert. I sipped my tea and watched as two men entered, one considerably smaller than the other. He had his head down and was wearing sunglasses. The larger man stopped and surveyed the room before pointing in my direction. I guess I looked “safe” in his mind. Before the auburn-haired man shuffled off in my direction, he handed a small piece of paper to the man who slipped into line.

The man literally sat at the table next to mine. We were practically sitting next to each other. I recognized him instantly, but bit my tongue and squashed my fangirl instinct. I glanced over and saw him with his head down. I snagged my notebook from my fanny-pack and hastily scrawled a note on it in text speak: “U OK?” I slid it across the table at him. I rolled the pen too, just in case.

I knew he was a little surprised to read what was written there. I’m sure he was expecting something different. He slid his sunglasses down and made eye contact with me. I nodded and pointed at the notebook. I watched him scrawl left handed a quick note and slide it back to me.

I took the notebook and stared at it a moment. I then glanced up at the guy he had come in with who was standing near the pick-up counter watching us. I looked back down and read, “No. Vocal Rest Day 1.”

I sighed, took a sip of my tea, and wrote: “Sux. Me too. Self-imposed thoe.” I slid the book back and then looked up at the guy, whom I realized was there as a bodyguard, literally. After a moment, the book was back on my table. I read the note. “U make Tom nervous.” I smiled and looked over at the man beside me. I wrote down: “It’s the T-shirt, isn’t it?” and gently tossed the book back on his table. He tipped his head when he read it and looked at me. I turned myself slightly towards him and opened my arms so he could see what I was wearing. Seeing my DNA tee shirt, that was still too big for me, he grinned and gave me a thumbs up. He then did something I wasn’t expecting. He waved at me telling me to join him. I guess he was tired of tossing the book back and forth. Either that or he was wanting to give his bodyguard a heart attack. I snagged my tea and slid my chair over next to his.

I sipped my tea and watched as he scrawled in my book. “U obv know me.” He slid it back to me. I could only think of one thing to write. “Duh!” I grinned as I grabbed my tea to take a sip.

As he was reading the one-word answer, his bodyguard, Tom, came back. “Chai tea with honey,” he said as he set the large paper cup in front of the man beside me. Tom slid the chair out and was about to say something to me. The man between us just shook his head and scrawled on the page, “Told U so.”

I turned the page and wrote at the top, “So, backing track tonight, huh?” He rolled his eyes at this statement and nodded. I shrugged. “Postpone?” I wrote.

I had barely finished the word when he snatched the pen out of my hand. “NO!” he wrote. “They can’t carry me. N is pissed off, per usual. Postpone & the fight is on.” He rolled the pen back to me before sliding the book over and letting me read.

“Sorry,” I wrote and added a sad face at the end. I paused before continuing to write, “Can’t imagine the stress.”

He read what I wrote and sipped his tea before writing, “Don’t tell anyone thoe.”

I shrugged. “No 1 2 tell. Solo. Nose-bleed. Wouldn’t’ve known if U hadn’t said.”

“Why solo with nose-bleed?” he wrote.

I sighed and put my head down when I read what was written there. Taking a moment to compose myself, I wrote, “Long story.”

He turned to his bodyguard and tapped his wrist. Tom answered, “You’ve got about ten minutes before we head back.” He then slid the book back to me without writing anything.

I closed my eyes and took a long drink of my tea. Turning the page, I wrote four words: “Single mom. Camp Fire.”

He tipped his head when he read them and then took the pen from me. He wrote two words: “Camping? Wildfire?” I knew he was trying to figure out what I meant. I snagged the pen and circled “wildfire.” He stared at that circle for a while before I slid the book back beneath me and wrote, “Homeless when tix went on sale. Couldn’t see past the next hour, let alone August. Just got tix a few weeks ago. Literally top of the top. Probably not gonna be able to see much. Don’t care. Happiest I’ve been since drop day, Jan 25. But will likely crash tomorrow.” He read that slowly before asking, “What do you mean?”

I closed my eyes and took a breath. “Mental illness sux,” I wrote.

“Tell me about it,” he wrote.

I drew a question mark and slid the book back. “N and J deal with it with substances and D is a leaf,” he wrote. Then he paused before adding, “Depression or anxiety or something else?”

I smiled as he really did understand. I should have known Of course his bandmates were dealing with it. I knew this already. I wrote, “Both, more anxious now thoe.”

He paused reading this, then wrote, “If U were upgraded, would U B OK?” I stared at it for a minute. I looked at him and he tipped his head at me.

I took a breath before writing. “Depends. SRO or true floor?”

“There’s a difference?” he scrawled. I nodded, reading this. “What about better?” he added to the first question. I looked at him.

Tom, the bodyguard, who had been enjoying his own drink, tapped his charge’s arm. “Come on, man, we gotta go, or we won’t make soundcheck.”

Before he stood up, he scrawled on the page, “Irony = soundcheck + Vocal Rest. Come with me.”

By the time I had read the request, he was halfway out the door. I quickly pulled my earbuds and stashed them in my pack before grabbing my tea and dashing to catch up. I got the death glare from Tom as I fell into step beside them. “You are asking for trouble, Brian,” he said as we walked. Brian just shrugged as we walked in silence.

About three storefronts after Starbucks, I reached into my purse and pulled out two honey sticks. I had Googled where to find them in town when I woke up without a voice that morning. As much as I hated honey, it helped when I lost my voice. I tapped Brian on the arm and offered him one. He raised his eyebrows at me. I put my hand on his arm and stopped him. I held my stick so he could read what it was. He smiled and nodded. We both gnawed the end off and tipped them back as we continued walking.

We got to the arena, and I was led around to the back. We got to a fence and Brian stopped and turned to me. He held up one finger and then pointed to the ground. I knew he was telling me to wait there. I nodded. I watched as he and Tom waved to another guy that probably could’ve snapped me like a twig.

I was waiting out by the fence for about five minutes and had finished my tea, when Brian reappeared, this time by himself. He cocked his head towards the glowering guy who was staring me down and had him let me in. He then handed me a lanyard. I snagged the card at the bottom and stared at the “All Access” written on it. I didn’t know why my hands weren’t shaking yet. The fangirl in me was jumping up and down. Slipping it on, I kind of felt official at that moment. Brian grabbed my hand and led me inside. I followed him through a labyrinth of corridors knowing I would likely get lost if I went off on my own. We stopped by a door and he opened it, grabbing a small whiteboard and marker before closing it again. He continued to lead me and we eventually stopped. I finally looked around. The view was incredible. I wasn’t expecting to be led to the stage, but there I was standing just off to the side. I could see the seats, the lights, the way everything was set up. It was a little eerie seeing it from that perspective. I stopped. This caused Brian to misstep and he stopped, turning around to look at me. He wrote on the board, “Overwhelming?” I nodded when I saw it.

I slowly lowered myself down and sat right where I was. I wasn’t even paying attention to who was around me. I just sat there and stared at one little spot about three feet in front of me.

Brian must have erased the board with his hand or something because the next thing I knew, it was sliding in front of me and stopping underneath one of my shins. I read the phrase, “U OK?” and smiled. The pen rolled and stopped against the board.

I glanced up at him before I erased his words and wrote my own. “I will be. Grounding. Need a min.” I held the board and the pen out to him. Brian nodded and cocked his head to the side. It was then that I realized we weren’t alone. There were four other men on the stage kinda staring at me.

“What? You lose your voice and you lose your mind too?” AJ said. I glanced over at Brian.

Kevin stood there practically tapping his foot. I fought to keep quiet. “Really, Bri. What’s up? Since when do you find fans and bring them back to sound check with you?”

I didn’t even _really_ know him, but I could tell that what they were saying was really starting to get under his skin. I watched as he twirled the pen in his fingers waiting.

“We gotta talk about meet and greet anyway,” Howie stated quietly.

I watched as Brian uncapped the pen and started writing. He turned the board around rather quickly, so I knew it was a short something. It was two words: “Skipping it.”

“You can’t skip it,” Nick said angrily, walking over to where everyone was gathered. “They paid to see all of us, not four of us.”

“Besides, what would we tell them?” AJ asked. Brian shrugged. “Well, we gotta have something. They’re gonna ask.”

I sat there listening and telling myself I was going to stay out of it. At least that was until I was just about drug into it. They started talking postponement and Brian was apparently adamant about not postponing. One of them finally asked why. He must have pointed at me, because I heard Howie ask, “What about her?” I wasn’t watching what he was writing, but knew it was something, because AJ followed up with, “What do you mean she deserves it?”

I sighed and realized Brian was trying to tell them something. I stood up and walked over to him and took the whiteboard out of his hand. Taking the pen, I wrote, “AJ: Nov. 8 mean anything 2 U?” I held it up to him. He read it slowly and kind of shook his head slowly, not realizing what I meant. So I erased that with my hand and wrote “Nov. 8: Woolsey Fire. Mailbu. Camp Fire. Paradise.” Seeing those words he kind of nodded a little. No one said anything. I took a chance and decided to hashtag my next board. Erasing the words, I slowly wrote: “#WhatAreTheChances #CampFire I am #ParadiseStrong.” I slowly turned the board around and held it so they all could see it. Realization dawned on each one of their faces. The anger broke as they stared at me.

Before they could bombard me with questions, I used their stunned silence to get a point across to them. Erasing the board, I wrote, “U tell us the TRUTH.” I held the board so they could see.

“What do you mean?” Nick asked.

I thought for a minute before erasing the board and sitting back down. Standing was making me lightheaded and making it difficult to think. I wrote two words: “Honest about…” and turned the board around. They had all sat down near me so they could see what I was doing. I held the board and pointed at AJ and then at Nick. I then added the word “Be” to the front and pointed at Brian.

As they were digesting that, I erased that and wrote, “U all R afraid.”

“What?” Nick asked.

“No we’re not,” AJ added.

“No way,” Howie chimed in.

I decided to make it very simple. I drew a couple of pictures. One was some music notes an equal sign and a dollar sign. Then I wrote beneath that. “No voice, no music, no cash flow.” Beneath that, I added, “Afraid.”

They all shook their heads, so I opted to go a different route. “We already know about it,” I wrote after I cleaned the board.

Kevin read it and said, “What? Brian’s vocal troubles?”

I nodded and wrote beneath that, “The movie.”

Howie nodded and said, “Oh yeah, we did include that in the movie. And Nick’s blow up about it.”

I smiled, glad at least someone watched what they put out.

“But we can’t do meet and greets if he can’t talk,” Nick exclaimed, gesturing at Brian.

I stared at him before erasing the board and writing, “JT book release Jimmy Fallon.” When I showed it to him, he looked at me quizzically. I added, “Google it,” underneath.

“And what about the show?” Kevin asked.

I shrugged. Erasing the board with my shirt, I wrote, “Tell us upfront. We’ll be sad, but understand.”

The guys all looked at each other. I felt my hands starting to shake and knew I was about to fall apart. I erased the board one last time and wrote, “Think of how sad, angry and afraid HE is. Be his Bro!” I set the board down so they could see and got up, walking the way I had been led.

Before I was completely away from them, I heard AJ say, “Shit, we just got told by a fan.”

I was moving faster than I thought I was and I knew I was going to get lost and that freaked me out even more. I eventually found a wall and sat down with my back to it, spinning my fanny pack so it sat in front of my stomach. I laid my head on my knees and just sat there shaking. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I opened my fanny pack and pulled out my mp3 player. I slid my earbuds back in and scrolled until I found the song I wanted and put it on repeat. I sat there trying to calm myself through at least the first verse before I felt someone sit down beside me. I glanced over and saw Brian sitting there. He held his hands open and raised his eyebrows. I smiled and reached into my pack. The first thing I found was my phone. Turning it on, I found the note program and opened it. “What?” I typed and handed it to him.

It took him a minute before he began typing. He was actually pretty quick. Definitely faster than I was. He handed my phone back to me and I read what he typed. “How’d U peg that so accurately?”

I glanced at him and shrugged. I then started typing. “I really don’t know. Just thought they were being stupid.” I passed him my phone back.

He handed it back to me a second later with one word written: “How?”

I sighed before typing my response. “J = 30 day rehab = 30+ day postponement. U = vocal rest = show must go on. Oh and let’s not tell the fans either.”

He read my response slowly and then nodded. It took him a minute before he finished his response to me. “How did you know about me?”

Again, I shrugged when I read it and then set to typing. It took me considerably longer. “Just kinda figured, I guess. U have been doing this your whole life. Not sure if it’s your first vocal rest or not, but still to happen during a tour has got to suck. Makes you fear losing everything. Been there, done that. There’s no T-shirt for it.”

Handing him my phone back, I pulled my earbuds and silenced my mp3 player. I wasn’t listening anymore. Not that it mattered. I watched as he smirked, knowing he was reading the last line. He started typing and handed me my phone back a moment later.

“Not my first, but on tour, yes. Did a 2 wk VR stint between Euro leg and US. Big fear from vocal doc and coach abt this tour. Saying only a wk right now. May not have the range for a while.”

I read that and was about to reply when I heard footsteps approaching. I glanced up and saw the other four approaching us. “Bri, we’re sorry,” Howie said. “You want to postpone we will.”

Brian shook his head. Nick handed him the whiteboard. I leaned over his shoulder. “We do tonight. Tomorrow is break/travel. Discuss in AM.” He held the board for them to see. When they read it, they stared at him.

“Why tonight?” Kevin asked.

Again he pointed at me. I just stared at him. I typed in my phone: “Why?” and held it for him to read. I watched as he wrote: “What U said, ‘Happiest since drop day.’ Owe U.”  
I typed into my phone: “U owe me nothing.”

He wrote beneath what he had written: “Insta # search. U thanked us twice after and again when U got your tix. Owe U.”

I covered my mouth with my free hand and blinked away tears. Is that what he had done when I had run off? Searched me on Instagram? I sighed and reached over and wiped his board with my hand. I watched as he reached over and snagged my phone. I was expecting him to type something into it, but when he handed it back a moment later, it was showing an added contact screen. “Tell NO 1,” he wrote on the whiteboard. I pressed the home button the front and then the power button on the back, putting my phone to sleep and slipping it back into my bag. I nodded.

Brian grabbed my hand and helped me up. Standing there, he wrote on the board. “Got Logistics to discuss. I’ll walk U out thoe.” I nodded. I watched as we began to walk away he held up his open hand above his head and kept walking with me. He led me back towards outside, meeting up with Tom along the way. We stopped at a fork and Brian looked at Tom. “If you’re looking for the fewest fans, go the back way. They are starting early, but none out that way the last time I checked.” Brian nodded and headed to the right. We got to a door that I could tell was an exit. He stopped and looked at me. He wrote on the board for a second and then turned it towards me, grabbing the lanyard around my neck and pulling on it. The board said, “Hide that.” I nodded and tucked it into my shirt. He then started writing a bunch more. I waited and then read what he wrote: “Doors open 7. OA 8. Call = 8:50. Stage L floor SRO DNA side2. Tom will wait for U at 8:35.”

I looked at him for a moment after reading that and then snagged the pen. “Um, no floor seats = no floor access. Not my first rodeo.”

He smiled and shook his head at me. He reached up and tugged at the lanyard part sticking out of my shirt in the back and then wrote, “Flash the plastic.” He paused and then wrote: “Charge your phone.” I nodded. He reached beside me and held the door open for me. I stepped outside and turned back to look at him. He waved and wagged his thumbs at me, essentially telling me he would text me. I nodded again and followed Tom out to a fence where he nodded at the guy standing there. “See you in a few hours, I guess,” he said laughing. I grinned and gave him two thumbs up as I walked out the gate and heard it close behind me.

I sighed and headed back to the Starbucks I had been at when I met him. I knew I probably needed something to eat, but I really didn’t feel like it at that moment. I got to the coffee shop and typed out my order on my phone for them since I couldn’t speak and then went and found a spot next to an outlet. Plugging in my phone, I waited until the barista called my name before I got up and got my coffee. Sitting back down I stared at my phone. I kept hoping it would ping. After about five minutes I realized he had given me his number but he didn’t have mine. I hastily pulled up the contact that he put in under just the initial “B” and pressed the “message” button. After a second, it populated into my messages and I typed out, “Save this number. Hope you’ve figured out your ‘logistics.’ C Ya Soon.” I hit send and went back to drinking my coffee.

I little bit later, my phone pinged. I opened up the text message and saw: “I don’t even know your name.”

I smiled and typed, “Becca, but you can put it under B. Just tell your wife.”

A moment later: “Why?”

I rolled my eyes and typed out: “Because I don’t want to be the cause of the big scandal!”

I got sent a laughing emoji. And then a moment later, “They are still amazed at your mic drop. Or whiteboard drop, TBH.”

I smiled at this. “Was pretty epic, huh?” I replied. I reached for my mp3 player and slid my earbuds in. I added another text. “Guess that’s how U win an argument with a whiteboard.”

I got a ping a moment later. “True. Must teach me.” I smiled at this. Then another ping. “Gotta go for a bit. M&G. Don’t wanna be rude on my phone the whole time.”

I typed back two letters: “NP” and went back to drinking my coffee. I knew my voice was starting to come back, but I was determined to leave it be until the morning. I hated sounding like a frog. I connected to Starbucks wifi and decided to check my Instagram. I had about 25 new reactions. I opened them and saw they were all from Brian. He had gone in and liked my comments on their posts and then gone in on my own account and liked a bunch, including the one I had done back in January tagging him about honey. He even threw a comment on that one saying I needed to use it now! At the very top of the list of reactions from him was a follow. I grinned. I had finally gotten him to follow me. Not exactly in the way I wanted to, but okay. It wasn’t exactly the way I wanted to meet him either.

About an hour later, I was still staring at my phone, and it was completely charged. I unplugged it, tossed my coffee cup, hit the bathroom and then headed outside I still had about two hours or so before I could even think about getting inside, so decided to walk back to the arena and just hang with the rest of the fans whom I knew would be beginning to gather.

I found a spot in one of the several lines that had started and sat down on the concrete. I heard my phone ping and I pulled it out. “Abt 20mins to fan SC. Talk 2 me. Losing my mind.” I smiled. Man, what the fans around me would do if they knew.

“Killing U not 2 B able 2 talk 2 them?” I texted.

The phone pinged quickly. “IDK how I’m gonna handle SC.”

“U could’ve canceled…” I countered.

My phone pinged almost instantly. “NO!” Then a few moments later another ping, “Tell me abt the fire.”

Now it was my turn to essentially yell in text. “NO!”

A moment later. “K, tell me how we helped.”

I sighed. I knew it was coming. “Had 2 and a half albums in my car of yours,” I typed.

Before I could continue, he asked “Half?”

“NKOTBSB,” I typed back. “Had Unbreakable and This is Us.” I paused before I continued to type. “This is Us was in the night before. It was all I listened to for 8wks in the car.”  
I paused again, before adding, “Usually listen to KLOVE. Couldn’t b/c it made me cry.”

“But U didn’t spend all your time in the car, did U?”

I smiled as I read that. “No. 3 days in a shelter. Finally in a 5th wheel. There until the Sat before Christmas.” 

I tried not to look around, but took a glance up and felt my heart in my throat. There were suddenly a whole lot of people around me. I snapped a picture of the group around me. I uploaded it to my Instagram with the caption: “With my #tribe the #BSBarmy. #anxiety high. #FightInTheOpen #MentalHealth #BSBDNAWorldTour #Sacto #Golden1Center”

There was a ping while I was busy adding hashtags but I ignored it so I could finish the post. Once I finished, I pulled up my messages and read what Brian had sent to me. “Glad U had someplace.”

I replied to him: “Check my Insta.” While I waited, I typed, “When I was inside, had a YT playlist of U guys.”

I scrolled through my Instagram account and waited. I loved the fact that the Golden One Center had free wifi. I got a reaction from Brian on my Instagram and then got a message from him. “Why R U anxious?”

I sighed and stared at the screen. Slowly, I began to type. “Too many people.”

A bit later, I got a text. “Now I understand. Difference between SRO and True Floor.” Then there was another ping. “Gotta go. SC. Ought 2 B interesting.”

I almost typed “good luck” but thought better of it. “Hang in there,” I typed instead. I scrolled through my mp3 player and put on my favorite song. I got a text a moment later. “U 2”

I sat outside in that line for an hour and a half and it didn’t faze me a ton to be outside. But at seven, when the doors opened, my heart started beating. Soon, I would be inside with all these crazy people. I sighed and dug my ticket out. There was no sense in trying to get in with something that would get me stared at. After the attendant scanned my ticket and I was inside, I stowed my mp3 player back in my bag and pulled my phone out again. There were about three messages from B. I opened them. “Decided to meet after SC before Circle and not in AM. Got till the 10th off. Catching plane in AM after press drop.”

I wandered over to a wall that looked like it wasn’t near concessions or a merchandise booth and leaned up against it and read the three messages through about four times. Another one popped up. “R U inside yet?”

I smiled. Typing back, “Yeah.” And then deciding to actually answer his previous texts. “Where, what, and when should we expect the news?”

His reply was almost instantaneous: “Social Media plus website and emails to all major entertainment outlets. Emails 2 tix holders about holding tix for reschedule or refund. 9am EDT.”

“When R U rescheduling?” I texted.

“Hoping tail end. Mgmt checking with venues.”

“How many shows?” I texted, knowing if I really wanted too, I could just look at the back of someone’s tour tee, which I did as I got the ping of his message saying, “Five.” Then another message a moment later. “Don’t drop $$$ on merch. We got your swag!” He then sent me a pic of a room that was literally just merch, nearly all in boxes. “Size and choices?” was the next text from him.

I wandered over to a merch line and tried my best to stand off to the side. I couldn’t make out much but saw the prices were crazy high. I sighed and walked back over to the spot I had occupied on the wall. I opened the text and typed. “Med. Black. And a lanyard, for work. Thanks.” I then added a second text. “No $$ for merch. Spent it all on the hotel.”

“That’s it?!” he texted back.

I sighed and sank down to the floor. “Lost it all, remember? Had concert tees, including seeing you in Palmdale. Gone. Poof! Oddly have a Millennium backpack in my trunk thoe.”

I waited and then got a text. “Don’t understand.”

I sighed again. “I try not to collect anymore. Doesn’t make sense if it can all be gone in a moment.” He sent me a sad face. “I had 20yrs worth of BSB stuff. It’s ash.” He sent me a crying face before sending me one word: “Replace?”

I stared at that word for a long time. “Lot of it can’t. Just wanted the catalog again in CD. Still not there. Hard to find your album that’s not for like $70+” He sent me a surprised emoji. “Tell me about it,” I replied. “So, no $$ on merch and an hour or something to kill. What am I going to do?”

“Tell me abt the fire,” he tried again.

I glared at my phone. “NO!” I typed again. “GO READ MY INSTA!”

It took a minute before he came back. “Sorry. Read your Insta. Had to be scary as Hell. IDK how U did it.”

“Don’t know either,” I admitted.

“How R U holding up?” I sighed reading that text. How was I holding up? At the moment, I was sitting against a wall in an arena texting a celebrity who couldn’t talk.

“Eh…” I replied. I figured I could at least go find my seat. It had to be more comfortable than the floor. I headed around until I found where section 204 was. Knowing I was literally at the top in Row R, I showed the person my ticket and began my hike eighteen rows up. I was one of the only crazy ones who were actually in a seat at around seven-thirty. I planted myself in my chair and folded my legs up under me. I finally looked back at my phone and saw that Brian hadn’t gotten back to me, so I added, “Good days and bad days.”

I got a text back shortly that said, “Today = good day?”

I smiled and typed back, “So far: BDE”

“BDE?”

“Best Day Ever,” I replied.

I got a text that said, “Gonna get better.” I shrugged at that and actually looked around. Yep. Totally nosebleed seats. The stage wasn’t that incredibly far, but anyone on it was going to look like an ant or at least a very large bug. I didn’t care at that moment. It was all I could afford and all that was left. I watched the clock on my phone tick and people trickle in. Near eight, I headed back down to the concourse. I wasn’t really interested in the opening act and I didn’t want to try and maneuver through the dark to get back to the bottom. Brian had said to meet Tom at 8:35. I figured that was in between the opening act and them because he had said call was at 8:50. I hung out near a merch booth in my section and waited. 

As I heard the opening act finished, I checked my phone. It was finally 8:30. I pulled the lanyard out of my shirt and let it hang around my neck. Keeping my phone in one hand, knowing I might need to “talk” to someone, I wandered over to the arena worker stationed at the top of stairs at my section. Because the section right there had floor access, she was asking to see everyone’s ticket. When I got to her, I showed her the card on the lanyard. She stared at me. “Where’d you get this, hon?”

I opened my note feature on my phone to a new note and typed, “Crew.”

She nodded and said, “Yeah, right. I’m sure it’s fake.”

“It’s not,” I typed. “Legit.”

“Nope. Try again.”

I sighed and turned around heading for a wall. They had blocked off everything beside me because they weren’t using sections 203 and 104. I stood there, shaking. Opening my messages, I typed to Brian. “Houston, we have a problem.”

His response was quick. “What problem?”

“Arena crew says pass is fake.” Tears started falling from my eyes as I hit send. My heart was racing and I could barely stand. I leaned against the wall trying to calm myself. I watched as more and more fans filtered in. Slowly I was becoming the only one on the concourse.

“Where are you?”

“Concourse 204/105.”

His reply came back. “Be there in 5. Don’t panic.”

I smiled slightly and then typed back, “Too late.” My hands were shaking so bad I could barely hold my phone. I heard chanting from inside. I knew the show would be starting soon. The fans were getting antsy. 

I didn’t even really read what he had written, so when he tapped me on the shoulder and then grabbed my hand, I jumped. He was dressed for the stage and yet he was standing right next to me. He cocked his head telling me to follow him. I did. We moved quickly, but not a huge rush. As we walked, I typed on my phone, “Sorry. UR stage ready and I’m blowing it.” I stopped him and held my phone. He smiled and took my phone and typed back. “NBD. Things R different tonight.” 

I let him lead me and was met by Nick who I guess was gonna do all the talking at that moment. Brian stood right by me as Nick handed me a headset. “It’s gonna be the only way you are gonna hear anything,” he said at my quizzical look. Brian helped me get the wires situated and the earbuds in. “We are beyond loud. Brian says your mix is close to what the fans hear.” I nodded. Brian led me to a spot off the stage but I was still able to see just about everything from the back. “Oh, and don’t move from here,” Nick told me. I nodded and punched my palm with my fist. Brian smiled and nodded. I then watched as he wiped the tears from my face, snagged my phone and typed, “Breathe.” I nodded slowly reading that. He then typed something else. “They have me set so that I can text to the crowd on the big screen.” I then watched as he closed the note program, opened my camera and then leaned next to me. After snapping a few selfies, he handed my phone back to me. He flashed me an okay sign and nodded at me. I nodded back and watched him head off with Nick.

The house lights went down as well as the stage lights. The fans screamed. I was basked in darkness, save for the glow of cell phones from the audience. I felt my heart racing. I hated the darkness. I single spotlight came on and Kevin walked out. The fans screamed louder. A second light hit Brian as he walked out to his cousin. “Hey y’all!” Kevin said. The fans erupted. “We have some news for you before we start the show.” He draped his arm around Brian’s shoulders. “Brian here is on vocal rest, so he’s not going to be singing tonight.” The collective groan was loud. “But he was determined tonight go on, so we’ll fill in where we can. So things will be a little different tonight, but it’s still going to rock!” The fans were a little restless, so Brian pulled out his phone and typed into it: “It’s all good!” His words appeared on the screen behind him in a text bubble. The fans erupted in shouts. “I may not have a voice, but I have text!” was the next bubble. The fans cheered. “Let’s get this party started!” he texted to the crowd. They cheered more and the lights went down again.

My phone pinged in my hand, and I made a note to set it to silent. I looked and it was a text from Brian. “Don’t Insta those selfies yet.”

I put my phone on vibrate and then sent him a thumbs up emoji.

The show was awesome, especially from my unusual vantage point. The guys picked up where they could on Brian’s parts. They let him lip sync others. This was actually nothing unusual for him. Anyone who ever watched them knew he would lip sync anyone else’s part as well as sing his own. I got plenty of high fives as they would come by me. I still felt on edge, but listening and watching them was calming in some way.

About midway through, I watched as Brian pulled a stool out to the center of the stage. My heart caught in my throat. I had a sinking suspicion of what he was going to do. Howie got up there and said, “Normally, we’d do some acapella here, but under the circumstances, we’re kinda changing things around tonight.”

Kevin walked over. “See, before sound check today, Bri went off for tea.”

Nick added, “It was actually because we’d been arguing with a whiteboard for an hour and getting nowhere.” The crowd giggled.

AJ joined in as Brian walked my way. “Imagine our surprise when he showed back up, with a fan.”

I shook my head as he grabbed my hand and nodded at me. He dragged me out there, just about literally and pointed at the stool, which I begrudgingly took. He took out his phone and texted up to the screen. “I was upset about the vocal rest order. But then I met this fan who put everything into perspective.” He added, “She lost her voice this morning, but still decided to come to tonight.”

AJ said, “She lived in Paradise until November 8 when the Camp Fire broke out.” I heard gasps and closed my eyes because I caught a glimpse of the fire footage on the screen. “She lost her house, her town, her way of life.”

Brian added on the screen, “ ‘Talking’ with her made me realize that this was just a minor inconvenience. Things could be a whole lot worse.”

I tried to shoot Brian a look, but he was in his element. He’s like a totally different person on that stage than the person I met in Starbucks. In Starbucks, he was down to earth. 

On stage, he was wacky. I could totally relate to that. I was a goof-ball at work, but more reserved when I wasn’t around the kids.

Brian then typed on the screen, “#WhatAreTheChances that I would run into a fan who was going through something similar?” The fans screamed when they read that. I heard the notes of the song “Chances” start. Nick picked up Brian’s parts, but Brian stood there lip-syncing the words to me. He was unmiked because he really didn’t need it. I also knew it was probably because it would be too tempting for him to actually use his voice. I had pulled out my phone, turned the camera to selfie-mode and was videoing what I could and snapping pics of myself with the guys as they sang next to me. When AJ sang “What if I hadn’t asked for your name?” I looked at Brian and mouthed, “You didn’t!” He mouthed back, “I know!” Surprisingly, I was having a good time being the center of attention for a moment. I usually hate surprises and being the center of attention.

When the song was over and Brian led me back to where I had been sitting, he grabbed my phone momentarily and opened the note program. “Thanks,” he typed. Then added, “Working on video of this show for you. Will need addy at some point. Will come snag you after encore. Don’t move.”

The rest of the show went on. It was incredible. After the encore, I waited for Brian. He snagged my hand as they ran off stage. I followed. He helped me detangle myself from the wires and then planted me outside a room so he could change. When he came out in a tee shirt, shorts and tennis shoes, I looked at him. He pulled his phone out and texted into the note program, “I’m walking you to your hotel,” it said. He also had a white plastic bag in his hand, which he handed to me.

I rolled my eyes and pointed. My hotel was literally across a parking lot right next to the arena. He typed and held up, “Don’t care. Wouldn’t be a ‘good Southern Gentleman’ if I didn’t.” Before we left the backstage area, he did a few more selfies with me. I was a little calmer and a little more into it so I was able to play around a little more. A couple of heart hands and even one where he kissed me on the cheek and I played it up surprised, mostly because I was!

Tom came with us as we walked to my hotel. There were minimal fans around and the ones who did see us, let us be. We got to my hotel room door and he pulled out his phone again. “Check Insta in the AM.”

“No, of course not,” I typed back into his phone adding a winky face.

“Probably won’t see you again,” he typed. And then added a sad face.

“Tell me about it,” I added, passing him his phone back.

“U got my number thoe.” I nodded, reading this. He then added, “Promise me something.”

“What?” I typed back.

“Promise me you’ll get help. You’re not holding up as well as you like to think. You’re near breaking.”

I sighed, reading that. “Meds, maybe, but I’m not talking to anyone.”

I was surprised to read what he wrote when he held his phone up to me: “Talk to me then.”

I snatched his phone and typed, “Possibly.”

He nodded when he read it and typed, “I’ll take it.” He then added. “Text me in the AM.”

“I will,” I typed back into his phone. I glanced up at Tom. He was staring at us. This was like the longest, most awkward goodbye in history. I don’t think either of us wanted to leave, but knew it was inevitable.

“Come on, Bri, we gotta get back,” he said. Brian glared at him, but snagged his phone and typed, “I’ll message you later.” I nodded and waved, watching Tom just about literally drag him down the hallway.

I walked into my room, closed the door and headed over to the bed. The bag that he had handed me definitely felt heavier than just a tee shirt. I dumped it on the bed and found not only the tee shirt I asked for and the tour lanyard but a CD. They had all signed the insert in white. I lay down there and heard my phone ping. Snagging it, I looked and saw that Brian had sent a winky face emoji.

I texted back, “Just couldn’t wait, could ya?”

“Nope,” was his reply. “Get some sleep.”

“Yeah right,” I texted back. Then I looked at my battery. I needed to charge. Digging my charger out of my bag, I plugged into the outlet by the bed and texted him, “Can I Insta all the photos NOW?”

He sent me a thumbs up, knowing that now that the show was over, everyone was already posting photos and videos.

I took my time going through each selfie and the videos. I picked my favs and put them up on Instagram, being sure to tag him and thank him for the incredible night. I didn’t want the night to end but knew he was going to have to because eventually, I was going to crash.

 

I woke up at seven to a ping on my phone. I snagged it, from the nightstand, barely able to think of anything at that early hour. I had been up until about two that morning going through photos and videos and just reliving the afternoon and evening. The message was from Brian. “Check Insta,” it said.

I opened Instagram and was met by an onslaught of the same post six times!

> “Due to unforeseen circumstances, we have to postpone the #DNAWorldTour for a week. Brian has been put on a medically required vocal rest. Ticket holders will be receiving information about rescheduled dates and refunds shortly. We apologize for any inconvenience. Hope to see you all in a week.”  
> 

I texted back to Brian, “Insta-onslaught!”

He replied, “Check my account!” I opened his Instagram and saw he had posted a photo of him in his “Office Chair” as he called it. He was on a plane. His caption: “Unexpected Office Chair this morning. Vocal Rest for a week. Hope to see you all soon. Miss ya!”

“Knew it was coming,” I replied.

He then sent me another message. “Switching to Insta DM in about 30. Preparing for take off.”

I sent him one letter, “K.” I then threw the covers back over my head and tried to go back to sleep. I should have known that was going to be impossible. I was awake and now my body wouldn’t let me go back.

About thirty minutes later, I got a ping on my phone from Instagram, saying I had a new Direct Message. It was Brian. He obviously got free Wi-Fi in the air. “How goes it?”

I took a shaky breath and began rambling, “Can we just go back to last night? I really just want to be back where I was last night. Last night = good. Today = Bad.”

“You’re repeating yourself,” he replied.

“No, I’m not. I just want to go back in time.”

He caps locked me. “STOP! READ MY WORDS! YOU ARE REPEATING YOURSELF AND ANXIOUS AF.”

“Not anxious,” I replied, knowing I was totally lying to him.

“I would call your ass if I could, but I can’t, so READ MY WORDS. YES YOU ARE!” He was still caps lock screaming at me. “D does it constantly. Why are you anxious?”

I closed my eyes. Why was I anxious? “Because I don’t want to go home.”

“Why?”

“IDK,” I sent him.

He sent me a smiley. “You are afraid that if you let yourself, you’re going to crash hard. You’re afraid that yesterday was all a dream.”

“Yes, and yes,” I replied.

“Go check your photos. I’ll wait.” I did what he said and smiled. Yeah, okay, not a dream.

I got back into the messaging on Instagram. “OK, but I don’t want to drive home,” I said. I was starting to calm down a little, but felt the deepening sadness starting to overtake me.

“Why?”

“I’ll be alone. Life will go back to normal.”

“Why is normal bad?” I was expecting that question. I didn’t have an answer. I left it. Obviously too long because after about two minutes he sent me, “Don’t ignore me because I ask hard questions. Why is normal bad?”

“Because I want to go back.”

He paused at this statement before hitting me up again. “Back to yesterday? Back to October?”

Damn, he was good. I had to give him that. “Halloween. November 2. Good days. Fun days. Life was good.”

“Can’t go back. Only forward,” was his message. “Do something 4 me when U get home.”

“What?” I asked.

“What’s your fav song on DNA?”

I smiled. “The whole thing!” Then I paused. “Don’t have favs. Have Happy Songs.”

I could almost see his face when the message popped up, “Happy Songs?”

“Songs that make me happy,” I replied. “Millennium = The One, NG = Siberia (b/c that whole album is SAD), TIU = You Need Love, DNA = Passionate.”

He sent me a thumbs up emoji and then added. “OK, this is what U are to do. Go home. Put on Passionate. Dance around the house. Record it. Send it to me.”

I stared at that. The dancing thing I was fine with because I usually did it anyway. It was the recording it that made me uneasy. I messaged: “Passionate, dancing. NP. Record it? No way!”

He got back to me right away. “You’ll beat me home. It’s either in my messages by 8 EDT or I call you.”

“I hate you.” I messaged him.

“No, you don’t.”

“Feelings change.” He sent me a laughing emoji. “Okay, fine. I’ll drive home.”

The next message I got was, “I’ll be waiting…” I rolled my eyes and packed up what few things I had. Checking out of the hotel and heading home, I blasted DNA from my speakers. It felt so good to do so. Arriving home, I took the dogs out, changed my clothes and put on my new tee and then stashed the two lanyards in my drawer. I grabbed something to eat, knowing that I hadn’t since the day before at lunch.

Finally, after eating, I felt like I might be able to take on Brian’s challenge. But it wasn’t going to be what he expected. I put on “Passionate” on my computer and put it on repeat. I then turned the camera to my phone on me and recorded just about twenty seconds and then added at the end, “That’s all you get,” before I stopped, saved it and sent it to him in a text. I was glad my voice was back.

A couple of hours later, I got a reply. “Not exactly what I expected, but okay. I’ll take it.” I rolled my eyes and texted him back. “It’s not gonna happen. I don’t selfie.”

“U did with me,” came his reply.

“Different.” I sent him. “Needed proof for myself that I had met U. Only selfied with my kids and an alien.”

He sent me a laughing emoji. “Typical mom.” He paused and then added, “Oh, BTW, I need a mailing address. Gonna send U some mail.”

I gave him my mailing address then added, “So how long R U gonna stick around?”

“Long as U need,” he replied. “Just got back to the ATL. When I get my voice back, I’ll call if U need. But I’m only a txt away.” 

“K.” I didn’t believe him that he’d stick around but figured he might actually do it. Little did I know he was gonna be there on my worst day.

* * *

A few weeks later, school had started, I was back to my job working at the front desk at my afterschool program. But there was one day that life was just over the top for me. I knew Brian was back on tour and things were going well. We had been texting back and forth for a bit that morning. I had gotten his package that included a DVD of the show I had been at and a copy of his CD. That same day, there was a fire north of us. It had me totally freaked out. I wasn’t even sure how I had managed my drive to work. I was shaking like a leaf. I walked into our room having my mp3 player earbuds draped around my neck. My boss was sitting at our laptop and said hi when I walked in. I waved and walked past him. I know he got a good look at me and saw that I was shaking because his next question to me was, “Are you gonna be okay?”

I grunted and laid down the floor pulling out my phone. I found Brian’s number and texted, “Are U available?”

Two seconds later, a ping. “Yes.”

“Can U call?”

“In 3 secs.” I had barely read the text when my phone rang. Pressing the speakerphone button, I held my phone and said, “Thanks.”

“What’s up?” Brian asked from the other end.

“Smoke,” I replied.

“Where are you?” he asked.

“Work. Ground.”

“What do you need?”

“Dunno,” I said, closing my eyes.

I heard shuffling around me but wasn’t even paying attention. The only thing I was looking at was my phone. “What was the last song you remember hearing?” Brian asked me.  
I closed my eyes and rocked my head back and forth. “‘The Way It Was’,” I answered.

I heard Brian suppress a laugh at that. “Do you realize how much irony is in that song right now?”

I tipped my head back and gently hit my head on the floor. “NO!” I nearly screamed.

“Okay, I’m not Nicky, but the lines are: ‘Soon I’ll be lyin’ on the floor. Pickin’ up the pieces…’” he didn’t finish but just hummed.

“Not helping!” I called. I was completely oblivious to what was going on around me, lost in my anxiety. Eyes closed, breathing rapidly.

“Okay, stop for a sec. You told me once your calm down song was ‘Breathe,’ right?” I heard him on the other end saying away from the phone, “Hey guys, come here. It’s Becs. She’s kinda freaking out right now.” I then heard some shuffling. I also heard closer to me, our area supervisor saying to my supervisor, “You do realize your front desk is on the floor, right now, right?”

The next voice I heard was Howie. “Hey, Bec, listen to me. Three in, double out, right?”

“Yeah,” I said, knowing he was talking about a breathing exercise I had been doing lately, especially to that song.

“Okay. We’re gonna give you the chorus three times over. Should be enough, right?”

“Maybe,” I replied.

Brian was back. “Okay, three in, six out. And focus only on our voices. There is nothing else there. You got this.” I did as he said and just worked on my breathing. I heard Kevin count them in and they started singing the chorus to “Breathe.” By the third time through, I felt relatively calmer. Brian was back on the phone. “You alive?”

“Barely,” I said.

“I’ll take that. Please text me later. Let me know you’re okay.”

“I will. Thanks.” I sat up and stared at my phone. My heart was still racing, but not as bad. The shakes were subsiding. I continued breathing.

“Rock your day, okay?”

“I will. Good luck tonight.”

“Thanks. Text me.”

“I will.” We hung up and I stared at my phone. Only then did I look up and see both my supervisor, our area supervisor and the rest of our team staring at me. “Sorry. There’s a fire somewhere. Freaked me.”

“I know,” my boss said. “Was that who I think that was?”

I smiled. “Yeah.” I stood up and walked over to the computer. “Keep it quiet, please. He doesn’t want the world to know he gave me his number.” I leaned over and logged into our time clock.

“You sure you’re gonna be okay?” our area supervisor, who literally looked like he could’ve been one of Brian’s bodyguards, said to me.

I shrugged. “Fake it till ya make it,” I replied. “I got this. By the time the kids get here, I’ll be fine.” My phone pinged. Glancing at it, it was Brian. “U OK?”

I typed. “Will be. Thanks.”

His response was instant. “Any time, really. Except maybe stage. Phone’s off.” And then I got another one. “Oh, I deem today Crazy Work Photo Day. U have until 6 PDT.”

I sent him a thumbs up and put my phone on vibrate. Glancing back up at our director, I said, “He’s kinda like my therapist. Keeps me sane on bad days. Keeps me accountable. Just said today was ‘Crazy Work Photo Day.’ Give him ten minutes, I’ll have one from him. He wants one from me. It seems to be helping.” I looked over at my supervisor who was finishing up with his email.

“As long as it helps. But when did you become Becs?” He said to me. He was as tall as me sitting down as I was standing up.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s never said my name before.” His look was classic. “Hey, we met while he was on vocal rest in Sacramento. We’ve only ever really texted. That was the first time he called me. The first time we’d actually spoken with words. I guess he told the rest of the guys about why he was still texting me.”

“And did they just really drop that acapella?” I nodded.

Our supervisor leaned over and put his hand on my shoulder. “As long as you can still do your job.”

I smiled at him. “Of course.” I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. Pulling it out, I saw Brian had sent a photo. I opted not to open it yet. Turning to my supervisor, I said, “Okay, so are we game on now?” He nodded. “Then get out of the chair and let me get things done!” I knew when I had a chance I would take a selfie for Brian and send it back to him. His was probably way over the top, but that was fine. As long as I knew he was still there, good days and bad, I felt like I might be able to handle this mental illness I dealt with.


End file.
